Updated: Jul 17, 2018
I am to nice, sometimes
Motherhood, I don’t believe I struggle to love my child. If anything I love him to much if that is even possible. But I do believe it has an effect on the way I parent, if I am having a shitty day even making him a bowl of cereal in the morning it is quite frankly to much effort for one day. It really does take it out of me, everyone at some point in their life worries about getting judged! For me being judged on my parenting is a big deal and I think that is because I know I try my absolute best to do right by him. So for someone to come in with an opinion when they don’t know me really stresses me out. So as I was saying some days parenting can be difficult more difficult than other days, making breakfast, helping them change, ensuring they have everything they need for when their at school, encouraging them to brush their teeth etc it all seems like your about to climb mount Everest. For me it does anyway. But I have to keep telling myself that even though it feels that way and it does knock me for six I do, I still get up and I do it and you only have to look and talk to my child to know I do it and this is what everyone has to keep telling themselves YOU still do it! Don’t put yourself down, never think you can do better by them on days like this, never doubt yourself as a parent because on that day you did do your best you really did . That was a really shitty day you just had but you did it. You accomplished it they are now asleep in bed and whatever time that may be they are there, they’re safe and sound.
If you didn’t manage any of your normal parenting skills or you didn’t stick to your normal routine with them on your shitty day, that is okay too. It really is. So like I said I do believe it has an effect on my parenting because I am to nice, I find it hard sometimes to stick to boundaries and to tell him off when he is wrong because I worry that if anything was to ever happen to him I would regret that for the rest of my life, its kind of hard to not think like that when your brain works how mine does. It’s difficult it really is. I have days where I cry because I forget his water bottle when he’s going to school, I struggle in the mornings to get out of bed so I don’t always manage to have him in class before the second bell I mean he is usually there 2 minutes later but the fact he isn’t there on time eats at me. 2 minutes shouldn’t matter to me but it does, it has a impact on me for the rest of the day. I can’t concentrate at work and then I can’t sleep at night all because of 2 pissing minutes. So I’ll promise myself that he will be there before that second bell the following day. But little be known I am up stressing half the night about ensuring I get him there on time. Then it’s the vicious circle again because by the time I crash out its late into the early hours of the morning and before I know it my alarm is going off and I am trying to get up and function on 2-3 hours’ sleep. So it begins again the rush to beat that second bell. Do you reckon I made it? Well I didn’t, so let’s do yesterday all over again. Don’t let this put you down though, look forward to the day you get up and your morning runs smoothly and you get your child to school on time. Because it’s such a brilliant feeling, it seems like nothing, but it’s amazing. Its such a satisfactory moment and when you feel that and you feel that achievement you get a slight feeling of hope that everything can and will be okay again. I believe it will be eventually, I believe I need to keep working towards it for it to happen and if I need help whilst I am doing it then I should never be afraid to ask for it! Although it is bloody difficult to do that!
But I am sure we will all eventually nail motherhood. Because let’s face it, mental health illness’s or not its bloody difficult and they are a pain in the ass and some days you generally do just thin ‘oh, fuck off’. I can say this because I know I am not the only one out there that thinks this sometimes. Its fucking hard being a parent and a massive shout out to anyone who is one. Give yourself a pat on the back or a vodka!