Counselling- why is it such a daunting word?
Updated: Jul 17, 2018
On Tuesday I attended my first counselling session. Leading up to it I could only feel exhaustion. It was like that was the only feeling I had or that I had ever learnt. I was motionless. I really couldn't think of anything worse than to sit in a calming setting on a sofa, talking. I couldn't think of anything worse because, is there even anything worse than that when your feeling the way I was at that moment. (Truth is, there probably is. But we aren't going in to that today) I couldn't bring myself to have to face it AGAIN! I mean come on give me a break, we all know we can never see the same doctor down the surgery so I had already gone through a rough 6 weeks explaining and opening up to different doctors over the phone and face to face exactly how I feel. *WHEN WILL PEOPLE REALISE PEOPLE ''LIKE US '' NEED CONSITENCY!* I really did not want to go and do that again with another complete stranger who just holds a different profession. I honestly was becoming exhausted at just the thought of having to talk, I was exhausted thinking of all the crying I know I will be doing. Not to mention feeling exhausted I was feeling nervous, scared and already completely ashamed of my own thoughts, which I was now about to have to share with a total stranger. I REALLY COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE-can't stress enough on this!
Tuesday came and I was still contemplating not going. How is this even going to help me, how is highlighting my problem's going to make me feel better. Its literally just going to remind me of what a total looney I am. As a sufferer of Anxiety of course I thought and thought and thought about it, clearly more cons showed than pros. But after careful consideration and after feeling that I at least have to try it, I went. I sat and opened up to a complete stranger. Don't get me wrong she had to poke around a bit with me at first until she finally hit the nail on the head (side tracked now as to whether I am writing a porno or a blog). We all have that one question we hope no one asks us when we see them because we know it's about to open a can of emotions. So a massive well done to my counsellor, thinking of it now she deserves a pat on the back. She cracked me, she brang my motionless self back into motion. Full motion, I'm sure she regretted it after.
At the end of my session she asked me how long I would like to attend the sessions. In my head I wanted to scream aloud, I don't want to attend the sessions so 1 will be fine. Thank you and Good-bye. But I didn't, I asked for no ''time limit'', I asked for no amount of weeks to be in place, I found having a time limit daunting, I felt as though it was a deadline and that I need to be 100% okay by the end of my 6 sessions which would be 6 weeks. I can't work towards something when I have a deadline at the end of it because it will eat away at me and I will constantly be thinking ' I have 2 weeks to feel normal, why aren't I feeling normal yet? If I don't feel better by then I am a failure' Truth is you can't fail. There is no time limit on when you should start feeling better or when you should be able to control it. It takes time, love and support. It's there, it's waiting for you but how and when you get there Is completely up to you. We will all be here at the end waiting for you with open arms. Except me, I'll probably be with you.
Conclusion- I still don't know how I feel about it, I agreed to go back and I will try any coping methods or strategies she asks of me. But all I know at this stage is I took this step when I felt ready to not when someone else felt ready for me to do so and throughout my counselling sessions I will only try things when I am ready to do that.
The way I see it is we are fighting a battle everyday with ourselves. We are strong and we are brave but we don't always need to be. Don't ever think you need to be strong or brave everyday. If you want someone to hold you today then please let that be. It doesn't mean! You haven't gave up, it just means today's one of many shitty little days we have. So what hey? Good days will come and you will have your chance to be strong for others then. Cheers to that!
Lots of love xo