• carlalily112

Alcohol and Anxiety

Updated: Jul 17, 2018

WOW, what a combo.

Don't get me wrong I LOVE dressing up and going out with friends. But my god don't my anxiety heighten's the next day.

The day after is the worst and not because of a hangover

Like I just said I love going out and getting dressed up and I am parched to a few cocktails and then a few vodkas and then a few shots LOL. But the next day I feel dreadful, not because I am hungover I mean I can deal with that but for some reason my anxiety goes sky high and I feel physically sick with guilt, I’m never really sure why. I try and try to put my finger on the reason but I don’t have a reason other than alcohol.

I wake up and feel instant guilt, I’ll go over and over conversations I have had with people the night before and the thought of facing them is a big no, no! I constantly doubt myself weather I should have spoken to someone more, did I seem rude? Did I say something I shouldn’t have said? Did I seem overly friendly? I am a confident girl, but I really can’t reason with myself at all in situations like this. My brain does overtime, the only thing I can think as to why it heightens after drinking alcohol is because of lack of control. Like we aren’t in full control anymore when we drink alcohol, we believe we are but we aren’t. We also forget things we are against when we are highly intoxicated so for example you may be totally against smoking but you might have a puff of someone’s cigarette simply because you are drunk. So using that example and pretending it is a real life situation for me I will regret that for days, I will think and think as to why I done it and I will feel so guilty for doing it when I am so against it. I will also come up with all sorts of illness’s I may now have because of the choice I made. All in relation to what smoking can do to you.

I can convince myself I was in a position or situation I wasn’t actually never in. I’ll tell you one of my worst experiences after a night out, so here goes I had a birthday party to attend so I got up I got ready and attended. We was all having a really nice time and the night in general was really good for the rest of it, until the next day. I woke up to remember I had a slight hint of red on my fingers and I remember washing my hands when I got home. I was unsure about what it was and to this day could not tell you what it was, now for someone who doesn’t have anxiety wouldn’t take no notice. Not me! I had answers as to what it was straight away, it was blood, it was someone else’s blood because it sure as hell wasn’t mine. Now I am freaking, I had someone else’s blood on my hands, Who’s? Why? How? I didn’t know the answer to any of these so it wasn’t long until I had made up a story in my head and convinced myself it was true.

I had convinced myself I was now HIV positive. Now that’s not me having anything against HIV positive people but I was shitting myself, because as you probably know once you have told yourself an convinced yourself of this there is no going back. You have to deal with it, so I googled and I googled and I googled. I started developing physical symptoms sure enough at the right time you would if you was infected with the disease, I had told my friends because it got to a point where I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I had figured how it happened, I remember touching the top of the condom/tampax machine in the ladies toilets. I’ve never touched this before so this was clearly where it had come from, and this persons blood was clearly infected because that would be just my luck and I would be that story that goes around about how a girl was infected through a condom machine. Crazy, I know! Anyway, so that is how I became HIV positive.

I started planning when I would go and get it in ‘writing’, when and how I would tell my family and how would I possibly tell my boyfriend I haven’t been unfaithful but I am infected with HIV. It was a rollercoaster of a month, lots of emotions running high and constant panic attacks, I found it was the only thing on my mind day and night and I really couldn’t focus on anything else. I ended up having to go and get my bloods taken to put an end to it, deep, deep down somewhere I knew I wasn’t and I knew it would be highly unlikely. Especially because I work in health and I know about the disease and if the blood was infected It was again highly unlikely I would have become infected. But I really could not put my mind at rest and was 100% sure I was infected, I ended up going to the doctors to get blood tests done, to be sure. Surprisingly enough it came back NEGATIVE! Yippy! From then I could see sense, I could talk sense I started to realise how silly I was acting and how much time I wasted feeling like that. But at that time there really is no reasoning with yourself at all. You try and try to reason and reassure yourself but it just doesn’t work. So I could do with some ways to control acts like this if anyone has any. Not drinking isn’t an option for me because I believe if I stop doing something I enjoy it has won. If I get scared to do something because of how I might feel I will eventually become trapped and unable to do anything I enjoy. IT IS NOT WINNING



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