A glimpse of what my Anxiety & Depression look's like on the inside. *insert sarcastic comment*
What my anxiety looks like on the inside!
-Excessive worrying over anything and everything -Stress -Self-destruct -Physical pain -Loneliness -Out bursts of Anger -Panic attacks -Emotional -Exhaustion
That’s what my Anxiety looks like. All them bullet points have an impact on my day to day life I worry excessively, but the thing with anxiety is I don’t stop doing something because I worry about it. If I pull out of something it’s not because I am worried because I will still overthink on the event and I will still feel guilt for not attending. The likelihood is I started feeling physical symptoms of my anxiety, I started getting a really tight chest, I started feeling shooting pains through my arms, right up through to the left side of my jaw and head (I can only describe this feeling as though someone is genuinely scratching my brain) and/or I started to lose control of my breathing and I need to be somewhere I am able to control it, it’s the sharp pains I feel in my stomach, it’s the migraine from excessive worrying. It’s the physical symptoms that come with it that stop me from doing things sometimes. It’s the exhaustion I feel from all those things and the constant fight with myself that lead me to my bed most days.
Yes I get nervous and yes I feel anxious about situations I know I am going to be In and yes I overthink on the future and I get scared of all these feelings returning and my anxiety heightens when I remember feeling how I did around a certain person or situation and that’s what scares me when it comes to doing it again and that’s when ill start to experience my physical symptoms.
My brains will recognise my feelings around certain people or certain situations and that is usually why these anxious feelings return. It’s because my brain has recognised I felt scared and anxious in this particular situation and it’s noted that down as a dangerous place or person. So the next time that person or situation occurs my brain likes to say.. woaaah hold on a minute, this is danger. It will remind me of how we felt last time which will bring on such feelings and eventually lead to a panic attack because it’s flagged up as a danger zone. So as humans and thanks to evolution I go into fight or flight mode. Otherwise known as PANIC ATTACKS. When experiencing an attack you feel your heart beating/working faster and this is to push all the blood from non-essential parts of our bodies at this ‘dangerous’ time to our main organs. To the organs that we need to keep us alive. Brain’s work in mysterious way’s ey? But that’s why it is sometimes best to face that fear and to power through that situation or to talk to that person because truth be known it’s never really a dangerous situation and it can be something so simple as pushing your trolley down aisle 5 in the supermarket. But, we need to replace these dangerous notes with good and happy notes, in which case our brain will then scrap the old note and the old dangerous flag and replace it with a good and happy one. It sounds so simple to do on paper, but it’s not so simple in real life because I am fighting with myself and I don’t just experience an emotion I experience the physical side of it all too.
My outbursts of anger, for me there down to not knowing how to cope with all the emotions I feel. Our body gets filled and fuelled with energy, and when we aren’t using that energy we begin to hold it in to the point you can feel it in your stomach which then creates negative energy. So a lot of people will suggest exercise. Something to use your energy on. #gvo #goodvibesonly LOL! The only struggle I had was coming to terms with the fact it’s me and I am the angry one and not the object or person I am verbally taking it out on and sometimes if you think back on situations you do realise they probably never even did anything wrong of if they did it was so minor there was no need to shout the way you did and say the things you did. Punch bags are also really handy for situations like this, because when your angry your fuelled right up and you don’t feel better until you have screamed as loud as you can and for me until I have lied down kicking my legs up and down and slamming my arms up and down beside of me, in true child form. I do wish I could catch one on camera though, I truly believe I would be mistaken for a child not being aloud the bag of sweets they wanted and supermarket tantrums are the bloody worst!!! Even if you aren’t a parent it’s guaranteed you know as well as we do that they most definitely DREADFUL!!!!
Self-destruct is what it says on the tin. I will beat myself down about everything that is going good or is good and then once I have done that and ruined that, I will turn to me. My weight, my teeth, my hair etc. All my features will get a good putting down. Believe me there is no way I will look at a situation and see the positives. I only ever see the negatives. Which leads me to causing ‘drama’! Especially when it comes to relationships. I am just no good at them.
What my depression looks like on the inside!
-No feel of hope (despair)
-No motivation to do literally anything
Depression, is what it is. It’s low mood day in day out, it’s finding no pleasure in anything you once enjoyed doing or anything you may currently be doing. Its exhaustion, it’s dwelling on the past, it’s feeling lonely and it’s the feeling of despair. It’s just a damn right crap place to be. It’s motionless, yes you can cry about it but your crying because you are sad 99.9% of the time and you don’t know why, you have no reason for feeling this low. Everything around you is great, your friends, your family, your job, you’re in a good place on the outside but on the inside you’re getting ripped apart.
Notice the difference in paragraphs when I’ve spoke about them. One can be spoke and spoke and spoke about because there is so many feelings and the other has nothing. Because there is nothing when you’re depressed, there is no feeling other than sadness. There’s nothing to say there is nothing to feel and you simply do not care. Which Is why I believe it is so important you know the signs, you don’t necessarily need to understand because 99% of the time we don’t understand it either. But knowing can help a person so you can make the first step for them and to help begin the path of their recovery. People don’t talk when they are depressed because there is nothing to talk about, there is nothing to say. There is nothing there. It’s empty. There’s no hope so there’s no point in even trying to confide in someone! Or so I feel. It truly is one of the worst place’s to be.
A period of anxiety – I can’t help but sometimes bring things to light, I have feelings that are through the roof and I find myself fighting it a lot more.
A period of depression- I don’t care, I am no longer scared, I no longer have fears. I have no feelings, no desire, no hope. I’m not fighting anymore.
A period of both- ROLLERCOASTER. (For another time, not today)
Lots of love xo